AS a agency believer within the outdated adage, “for those who can’t take it, don’t dish it out”, I by no means get too upset when people take a pop at yours really.
Simply as effectively, I suppose, as they take so many pops I typically really feel like a giant, fats roll of bubblewrap. Oh sure, expensive reader, if I had a pound for each time I’ve heard somebody insisting I’ve bought the right face for radio, effectively, I’d be capable to fill my automotive with diesel and pay a portion of subsequent month’s fuel invoice.
On second ideas, I’d most likely simply fork out on cosmetic surgery for that massive Halloween cake coupon on the high of the web page. I hate it, although, once they have a dig at my mates or work colleagues.
Like, for instance, Strictly star Kaye Adams. When my BBC Scotland chum carried out her first dance on the present final weekend, I bought an e mail from an Off The Ball listener who mentioned: “Tam, for those who’ve bought the right face for radio, I feel it’s honest to say Kaye’s bought the right FEET for radio…”
And I can guarantee you I didn’t giggle. No manner. By no means. As if.
Certain, Kaye’s the second worst dancer I’ve ever seen (bear in mind Theresa Could on the Tory occasion convention?) and, if she went to the discos in her residence city of Grangemouth again within the day, a fiver says the purses danced round HER. Let’s be brutally sincere, even Holly and Phil wouldn’t soar a queue to observe her in motion.
However pay attention – she’s a pal, a colleague and I’ll be cheering for her all the best way on Strictly till she will get voted off this weekend. A phrase of assist, too, for an additional Radio Scotland chum, Connie McLaughlin, who stood in for Kaye final week on the morning phone-in present.
Simply earlier than I converted to Ken Bruce (effectively, you cannae miss Pop Grasp), the subject was Tourette’s Syndrome and Connie, presumably hoping to be awarded the George Cross for bravery, spoke down the road – LIVE – to somebody with the situation.
Take it I don’t have to let you know what occurred subsequent? Let’s simply say I assumed the poor lassie – as a consequence of give start subsequent January – was about to enter early labour…
(For the primary seven years of my marriage, I assumed my spouse had Tourette’s. Nope, seems I AM a ****.) In the meantime, I’ve zero sympathy for yet one more BBC mucker – high present affairs presenter Martin Geissler.
He let rip on Twitter this week after reporting on the Labour Social gathering convention from a horse-box. Sure, take a look at the pics… a HORSE-BOX! Calm doon, mate. If it was adequate for Eddie “Mare”…
I additionally want Mark Lawrenson would zip it. The previous Match of the Day pundit has blasted the “woke” BBC for dumping him as a result of he’s “65 and a white male”. Oh please! Can I remind you that Stuart Cosgrove’s 93?
Joking apart, what age is Sir David Attenborough? When the dinosaurs had been worn out, I guess he was in search of an alibi. Lastly, people, a point out for one different (part-time) BBC pal.
Scotland goalkeeper Craig Gordon – a hero as soon as once more on Tuesday night time – typically pops into the studios for a shift on Sportscene and I’d prefer to congratulate the large man (and his missus, in fact) on the start of his child boy. And why did he name the wee man Axel? That’s exactly what we requested our listeners on the Off The Ball Sunday Complement.
My high three recommendations?
-Nonetheless enjoying membership and worldwide soccer on the age of 39, he was two-tyred to think about one other identify.
-He referred to as the wean Axel as he doesn’t need the wheels coming off his relationship.
-He requested Scotland boss Stevie Clarke spell ‘Alex’…
PS. Soccer footnote: former Hibs striker Jason Cummings scored on his worldwide debut for Australia in a 2-0 win v New Zealand and he devoted his purpose to Carlos – his pet bulldog again residence in Scotland.
Jason mentioned (and I swear I’m not making this up): “Carlos, for those who’re listening to this interview, for those who’re studying this, I like you a lot.” Wager he’s relieved he wasn’t pulled in for a post-match medicine check.
PPS. One remaining BBC-related story. Gavin and Stacey star Ruth Jones was left livid at her mother-in-law’s funeral when a mourner used her catchphrase and requested her: “What’s occurring?” Her co-star James Corden was additionally livid. It was tea and biscuits solely on the purvey.
Lookalike of the week
Bruno Mars and Councillor Murray from Solely Fools and Horses. Uncanny!
The identify is up for Farage however Lauren is the lager tops
After it turned “extinct” in 2020 when no infants born within the UK had been referred to as Nigel, 373 of them met in a pub in Worcestershire final week to have a good time their identify and, by all accounts, they'd an awesome night time. Till Mr Farage turned up…
In the meantime, to assist pay the payments at her Huddersfield pub, landlady Lauren Beers (nice identify!) is posing topless for X-rated subscription web site Solely Followers. I'd pop down for a few jugs.
PS. The Macallan’s oldest whisky - the Attain single malt - has been launched after 82 years maturing. Distilled in 1940, it’s offered in a crystal decanter set on a bronze sculpture of three palms.
And Lidl are doing their model for £6.99.
Lew would imagine Capaldi wasn't in 101-year-old paper
Whereas renovating a home in Glasgow, Kim McFarlane was “surprised” to discover a 101-year-old newspaper underneath the flooring. Aye, there was nothing about Lewis Capaldi in it…
Nah, pay attention, guess which paper it was? Yep, a 1921 version of your very personal Every day Report.
Surprise what Joan Burnie needed to say in regards to the Treaty of Berlin…? I used to be personally surprised this week after I learn that a Japanese agency is planning to launch a flying automotive by 2025.
Sorry, however didn’t Ant McPartlin beat them to it?
A flying automotive? Aye proper. Good luck in case your engine conks out at 30,000ft…
Courting laughs
The information that even our barristers are on strike shocked my wee Airdrie pal who mentioned: “The place will I am going now for my morning espresso?” Grim occasions, eh?
Right here’s a 2022 model of The Two Ronnies…
Ronnie B: “4 candles.”
Ronnie C: “Fork handles?”
Ronnie B: “No, 4 candles. Have you ever seen my f****** electrical energy invoice?”
Thought for the Week
If greens are so good, why are vegans at all times attempting to make them style like meat? And right here’s one other puzzler: how the f*** can fruit flies thrive in Scotland???
There’s been a plague of fruit flies in Glasgow for weeks. So I take it they don’t really EAT the stuff? I used to be additionally confused by a narrative a few 47-year-old seabird being recognized by its ring.
I assumed you could possibly solely try this with timber…
My fave humorous images of the week
Kaye Adams after her first dance on Strictly
Holly & Phil skip one other queue – at Wembley for an England recreation.
I want people would cease moaning about the price of residing. A packet of mince is precisely the identical value as final yr.
When you've got your first pee after an evening on the beer.
I used to be able to attempt Sober October, till I noticed how pleased alcohol is to see me…
Textual content jokes of the week
-US singer 50 Cent has introduced he’ll now be identified within the UK as 1 Pound.
-If Jesus was a Tory, would he have tried to feed the 5000 with a single 70p bag of oatmeal from Tesco?
-I’m chilling with the spouse tonight. I’ve switched off the central heating.
-On the ferry to Eire, now you can use the bathroom and pay later. That’s pee and owe.
-Earlier than we get to November, if anybody desires to sponsor me to eat triangular Swiss chocolate subsequent month, I’m doing Octoblerone.
-WhatsApp retains crashing on my telephone, so I’ve downloaded one thing referred to as The Bugs Bunny to repair it. It’s a WhatsApp Doc.
-A man within the bookies yesterday requested if I wished the winner of the following race. However I politely declined as I’ve solely bought a small backyard.
-My dad at all times says an apple a day retains the physician away. And it should be true as a result of he’s been on a ready checklist for the final 5 years.
-My neighbour was crying whereas mowing his garden, so I requested him if all the things was okay. “I’m superb,” he sniffed. “I’m simply going via a tough patch.”
-The person who invented throat lozenges died final week. There was no coffin at his funeral.
-My four-year-old son has been studying Spanish for a number of months and he nonetheless can’t say ‘please’. Which I feel is poor for 4…
-My spouse requested me if I’d seen the canine bowl. I didn’t even know he might play cricket.
-I went to a psychic final week and, after I knocked on her door, she mentioned: “Who's it?” So I left…
-Should you’ve bought an issue with mice at residence, attempt utilizing WD40. It gained’t eliminate them, however it does cease them squeaking.
-Phil Oakey was the lead singer of 80s pop band The Human League, however no person ever mentions his sister, Carrie, who invented unhealthy singing in pubs.
-I purchased a packet of these animal-shaped cookies final week and I needed to take them again to the store. The seal was damaged.
-TV trivia: do you know that Magnum PI solely solved 3.14 crimes…?
-After deciding to throw out all my Burt Bacharach LPs, I simply don’t know what to do with my shelf.
-Ornithologists in Peru have found that native owls hunt in pairs. They’re Inca hoots.
-The physician advised me I've low blood stress, so he’s given me a prescription for 2 IKEA self-assembly wardrobes.
-My actor pal has been forged for the main function in a silent model of Oliver. “I’m ecstatic!” he mentioned. “I couldn’t ask for extra.”
-Intercourse earlier than marriage is taken into account a sin. After marriage, it’s a miracle.
And at last
The common-or-garden potato has been voted Britain’s all-time favorite vegetable. Exhausting traces, Boris.
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