The late, nice Ronnie Corbett as soon as joked that essentially the most nervous he’d ever been in his life was standing within the BBC bathrooms on the urinal subsequent to Shakin’ Stevens… Properly, forward of Motherwell’s match in opposition to Sligo Rovers at 7pm tonight - when our hopes of an honest run in Europe might disappear down the pan - I believe I understand how the wee man felt.
Within the first leg at Fir Park final Thursday, the Steelmen did our bit for the co-efficient - Eire’s - with a very honking efficiency that resulted in an embarrassing 1-0 defeat. The natives, as you'll be able to think about, had been very stressed, and membership officers are attempting to trace down the one who threw a bottle onto the pitch so the perpetrator will be banned for all times.
To this point, 7,000 Motherwell followers have come ahead… However hear, overlook the gloom and doom. I believe we’ll win 2-0 tonight to cruise by means of to the following spherical of the Europa Convention League.
And who is aware of, we would play Celtic if - like final season - they find yourself having a crack in any respect three European tournaments. That’s not a dig on the Hoops. Trustworthy. You see, people, I used to be reminded this week how a cheeky jibe can come again to chunk you on the bum.
As you could have learn, Monday was the twenty fifth anniversary of the legendary Celtic striker Henrik Larsson becoming a member of the Glasgow membership for £650,000 - arguably the second-best little bit of enterprise in Scottish soccer historical past once I remind you that Motherwell paid Rangers simply 50 grand for the one and solely Davie Cooper.
Anyway, throughout a very purple patch in his free-scoring Celtic profession, Larsson was bagging hat-tricks for enjoyable and strolling off the pitch week after week with the match ball tucked below his arm. Forward of Motherwell welcoming the Hoops to Fir Park, I boldly said on the radio: “Pay attention, if Larsson will get a hat-trick in opposition to us, I’ll give him considered one of my very own balls.”
Properly, girls and gents, Celtic cuffed us 7-1… and Henrik scored FOUR!!! What a aid, eh? I imply, 4 targets AIN’T a hat-trick, so there was no want for me to resemble Adolf Hitler within the underwear division. Phew!
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Scottish soccer is stuffed with memorable moments and an absolute cracker was captured this week by Queen of the South’s official photographer Colin Johnstone. Within the recreation at Elgin Metropolis, his digicam clicked on the exact second the ball whacked one of many dwelling followers and despatched his half-time snacks flying by means of the air.
(I’m informed one of many linesmen on responsibility - a Mr D Ross - instantly tried accountable it on Nicola Sturgeon…)
It was a BRILLIANT photograph and I’m nonetheless chuckling at reviews the membership was “attempting to hint” the supporter in query to supply him a freebie. Making an attempt to hint?!? He’s an Elgin Metropolis fan - not Bible John! That is hardly needle-in-a-haystack stuff.
I ought to state the freebie in query is complimentary grub from the meals kiosk. The poor man’s most likely terrified to come back ahead in case it’s an Elgin Metropolis season-ticket.
To be trustworthy, this fella had a fortunate escape - just a few splashes on his shirt, however no private damage… in contrast to a poor Motherwell fan at Brechin Metropolis about 10 years in the past.
Throughout the pre-match heat up, a wayward shot from one of many Motherwell strikers went huge of the goal and hit this woman flush on the face - at about 100mph - simply as she was taking a sip of her Bovril…
As any Scottish soccer fan will affirm, Bovril is principally beef-flavoured lava and I nonetheless hear her screams in my Vietnam-style flashbacks…
PS. Staying with soccer, Rangers followers face matchday mayhem because of a Subway strike. As Barry Ferguson apparently commented: “Can they no’ jist go tae the Greggs throughout fae Ibrox?”
Cumming boxed intelligent together with his story about legend of the ring Tyson
Star of Hollywood, Broadway and (let’s not overlook) Take The Excessive Highway, A-list actor Alan Cumming - Aberfeldy’s best - was our very particular visitor on Off The Ball final Saturday and I want I might keep in mind half of the enjoyable we had on the present.
I’m certain we spoke about every thing from the Bond movie Goldeneye to his duet with Liza Minnelli, however I used to be having fun with myself a lot it’s a little bit of a blur. What I CAN recall is Alan’s revelation that he was impressed to go vegan by Mike Tyson.
Does this imply the previous heavyweight boxing champion most popular to chunk into CAULIFLOWER ears? Anyway, people, Alan was terrific worth - hear again on BBC Sounds in the event you don’t imagine me - and you'll’t say that about all entertainers.
* My pal is simply again from a vacation camp down south and let’s simply say he was lower than impressed with the ventriloquist who appeared within the cabaret bar. “When he was listening to his dummy speaking,” he stated, “you would see his ears transferring…” Sensible.
Loyal Following
Staying with tartan legends, a brand new ebook says that Greyfriars Bobby (in my view, the best EVER instance of Scottish rhyming slang) could have been a unique breed of canine than beforehand thought.
Yep, historians reckon he was a Dandie Dinmont terrier and NOT a Skye terrier. Who cares? So long as we’re nonetheless in a position to take pleasure in Frank Skinner’s idea on why the pet pooch famously stayed by his grasp’s grave for 14 years.
Once they buried him, he was nonetheless holding onto the lead…
* Simply weeks earlier than her one centesimal birthday, Manette Baillie fulfilled her ambition of driving a Ferrari racing automobile. And he or she was watched by 500 individuals… all caught behind her whereas she trudged alongside at 11mph.
* In the meantime, Britain’s sauciest car registration - ORG 45M - is up on the market at £150,000. At that worth, I hope it’s not a pretend.
Wardrobe of Wealthy man like Sunak isn't going to be full of Primani
I’d slaughter an out of contact posh Tory like Rishi Sunak for many issues, however NOT for sporting a £3500 designer go well with. Be trustworthy, people, what would YOU put on in the event you had been married to a billionaire - a pair of joggies fae Primark?
Staying with style, the Pope in Native American headdress jogged my memory of the time I used to be on vacation in Las Vegas and practically purchased a state-of-the-art wigwam within the Nevada desert.
“Does it include operating water?” I requested the large chief. And he stated: “Get your individual spouse, ya ****!”
* Do you suppose Holy water needs to be utilized in vaccines… or would it not be mistaken to take the Lord’s title in vein?
Joke Not Worn Out
Whats up to common contributor Bob McFarlane - Hamilton’s No.1 punster - who was reminiscing this week a few lady at his faculty who was nicknamed Pink Pyjamas.
He usually wonders what occurred to Shelby Wareing… In the meantime, Bob went to the doc’s final week as he retains seeing twin variations of Clark Gable from Gone With The Wind. Seems he’s obtained Two-Rhetts.
* So, ought to the Eurovision Music Contest be held in Glasgow or Aberdeen?
As somebody who’s lived in Glasgow for the previous 20 years, I’m biased - I hope it’s Aberdeen…
* A Los Angeles footwear firm is promoting sneakers made with plastic from recycled intercourse toys. They’re believed to be the primary ever sneakers which might be much less tight in the event you DON’T take the tongue out.
Sir David's Previous Relic
The fossil of the earliest recognized animal predator has been named after Sir David Attenborough. The 560-million-year-old relic - considered one of many earliest creatures to have a skeleton - presents Planet Earth on BBC1.
My Fave Images of the Week
Liz Truss assures Rishi Sunak he’ll nonetheless have a job if she turns into chief.
In Florida, it might seem the alligators have developed sign-making expertise.
The scariest canine on this planet.
It was at this second Louis realised why Rob had purchased him lunch every single day for the previous two years…
Any man who can do that needs to be allowed to.
Textual content Jokes of the Week
* The Conservative Get together leaders’ debate was halted on Tuesday evening after the Discuss TV presenter fainted and collapsed when she realised a kind of two shall be Prime Minister.
* At my Kleptomaniacs’ Nameless assembly final week, the group chief informed us to come back in and don’t sit down.
* A research has revealed that hair loss and an absence of intercourse drive are signs of lengthy Covid. I should have had lengthy Covid since my wedding ceremony day.
* My tutor has accused me of plagiarism. Her phrases, not mine.
* In case you’re right here for the yodelling classes, please type an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue…
* It’s simply been introduced that Bilbo Baggins has taken a Viagra overdose. I suppose outdated Hobbits die exhausting.
* An ice-cream van crashed into the again of my automobile yesterday. I’m now affected by Mr Whippylash.
* After laser eye surgical procedure, a affected person was requested by the surgeon if he wished the excellent news or the unhealthy information. When he requested the excellent news, he stated: “Properly, you’re going to get a brand new canine…”
* After I was a child, I used to like constructing sandcastles with my granny. Then my mum would make me put her again within the urn.
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