It’s beautiful to be again, pricey reader, after two weeks away. Don’t know in the event you watch it however I spent the final fortnight on Love Island.
Nah, I used to be on my summer time vacation. First up, every week within the Lake District – I’d at all times fancied it after watching a couple of dwell streams on the web the place one of many highlights was a quite baffling signal on the bathroom door (see the image on the suitable) at our campsite.
Do individuals REALLY attempt to flush bottles, outdated Nokia telephones and stingrays down the pan? Week two in North Wales was additionally fairly complicated due to the extraordinary place names.
A pal as soon as visited the legendary village of llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwlllantysiliogogogoch (sure, I did google it!) and, whereas having a chunk to eat in the future, he requested the waitress: “Excuse me, hen, how precisely do you pronounce this place?”
The lassie cleared her throat and mentioned: “Burger King.” Many of the cities and villages have shorter names, although, on account of the actual fact they seem to solely use consonants. Yep, Wales is definitely The Land That Vowels Forgot. If I didn’t know any higher, I’d have assumed TRNSMT was a Welsh music competition.
When signwriters in the remainder of the UK run out of the letters A, E, I, O and U, I reckon they only get a job in Wales. Someday, for instance, we drove by means of a wee place signposted as “the best village in Wales” and, nicely, whoever named it will need to have been excessive on SOMETHING. Or maybe he was simply affected by Irritable Vowel Syndrome.
It was known as, await it, Bwlchgwyn. See what I imply? How the hell do you pronounce THAT? No offence, however that’s not a spot title, that’s a Countdown conundrum or a crap hand at Scrabble.
Anyway, people, if I can undertake the Welsh method, just one response to filling my tank on the street residence at Gretna companies: “Fck m gntly!” Gretna, in fact, is synonymous with people making snap selections they later remorse and I’m STILL kicking myself for pulling into that petrol station.
I paid 205.9p a litre for diesel – a private finest – and right here’s one thing to ponder… you know the way service stations have already got branches of WH Smith, M&S Merely Meals, and so forth, and so forth? Nicely, in the event that they opened a Poundshop, how a lot would all the things value?
PS. The TV spotlight of the week was nonetheless the return of Two Doorways Down on Tuesday at 10pm.
After I texted my pal Grado – one of many stars – to want him all one of the best, he replied: “I hope it turns oot first rate. I cannae watch it, I’m too nervous. Plus, Love Island is oan till 5 previous…”
Similar to your textual content message, Grado, I can inform you it was good.
Kanye's not Gregg's
Fashionable coach wearers have been warned to avoid Kanye West’s new line of sneakers as they appear to be Cornish pasties.
Oh yeah, they usually additionally value 300 quid!
Loosen up, guys, it’s solely a matter of time earlier than Primark – who already do a Greggs assortment of clothes – launch the £8.99 Steak Bake Sannies.
You will need to walkers to the subsequent store.
It’s been reported that supermarkets have been hit by a Walkers crisps scarcity. That’s not information – there’s a crisps scarcity in each bag!
PS. Good day to my new pal Kimani, a beautiful man I met a few weeks in the past who has invited me to his African restaurant in Glasgow metropolis centre.
Let you know what, if the meals’s even half nearly as good as his patter, I’m in for a deal with. He informed me the dishes are nice, the beers are ice-cold and there’s solely ONE draw back…
You must stroll 40 miles for water! LOL.
Nuts!
So, a fella walks into the chemist and asks if they've a condom two millimetres lengthy.
“That might solely match a mouse!” laughs the woman behind the counter. “I do know,” he says. “My home is stuffed with them.”
I used to be reminded of that outdated gag once I learn that scientists have developed contraceptives to restrict the variety of gray squirrels.
Can’t they only paint them purple? Or, to curtail their sexual exercise, power them to get married?
We’re speaking ORAL contraceptives, by the way in which, not tiny condoms (simply in case you had a picture of the boffins “helping” a squirrel by exhibiting it a four-pack of Matters).
I've one other potential resolution to cease gray squirrels breeding.
You see, people, it was additionally reported this week that, resulting from a chemical imbalance, a person’s intercourse drive dips when he’s hungry.
So there’s your reply to the squirrel downside - take away their nuts…
Scotland's finest bits
I see Arthur’s Seat was on hearth the opposite evening.
Which jogs my memory, what in regards to the poor bloke who mistakenly used Tesco bathroom wipes as lavatory roll OOYAH!!!
His title is Leon Bleed – sorry, Gleed – from south Wales and, yep, I believe we’ve discovered the person who ought to NOT be trusted with a Dyson Ball vacuum cleaner…
Speaking of vacationer sights (Arthur’s Seat, not Leon’s burnt bahookie), Scottish enterprise was boosted by £65million final yr by individuals coming from around the globe to go to well-known movie and TV places.
The three hottest have been Glencoe (the place they filmed Skyfall), the Glenfinnan Viaduct (the place they filmed Harry Potter) and Glenrothes (the place they filmed Chernobyl).
In the meantime, the Edinburgh Pageant is nearly upon us and common reader Bob McFarlane – Hamilton’s No1 punster — informs us that a couple of years in the past the Laser Mild Present was so highly effective it utterly eliminated the Tattoo…
Bye Bye Boris
Hats off to Madame Tussaud’s in Blackpool for putting their Boris Johnson waxwork outdoors the native job centre.
They couldn’t preserve it on show anyway resulting from spiralling prices. Each week for the previous two years they needed to preserve including further inches of wax to his nostril.
In equity, although, I believe we must always ignore the social media rumours that Boris bought his hairdresser pregnant. Nonsense. There’s NO WAY he’s bought a hairdresser.
My fave humorous photographs of the week
Nicely, what kind of busker did you EXPECT outdoors Waitrose?
If you buy groceries along with your mate and he or she steals a 55in Panasonic.
The smile of a father who doesn’t want a DNA take a look at.
Unhappy that Andy Murray bought knocked out early at Wimbledon. Even sadder for his grandad who was trying ahead to a different week dwelling in Andy’s kitbag.
I believe this image speaks for itself…
If you’re 5 minutes from residence and touching fabric.
This Tory minister’s Y-fronts are clearly too tight.
Textual content jokes of the week
- After my funeral, I would like one in every of my buddies to take my telephone and textual content everybody: “Thanks for coming.”
- Simply discovered the corporate that produces yardsticks gained’t be making them any longer.
- I by accident downloaded a colander app as a substitute of a calendar app and it retains draining my battery.
- I’ve left my spouse at residence to shine my medieval outfit while I'm going to the pub. She at all times says she’d like an evening in, shining armour.
- I don’t know who must know this however, even when a bear is carrying socks and sneakers, he’s nonetheless bought bear toes.
- High tip: to make your water mattress bouncier, fill it with spring water.
- I phoned my physician’s surgical procedure yesterday and the physician answered. I mentioned: “Oh good day, physician, is the receptionist there? I would like some medical recommendation…”
- In a match of confusion, Diane Abbott has simply resigned.
- Not many individuals know the Titanic had a sister ship known as the Italic. It didn’t sink, it simply leaned to 1 facet.
- A Scottish man has been killed by a shark whereas honeymooning in Australia. Reviews say he didn’t undergo too lengthy as he’d solely been married 5 days.
- Why is Billy Joel’s laundry nonetheless moist? He didn’t begin the dryer.
- Unhappy information from the tennis world - the person who devised the pairs sport has died. RIP Mick Stubbles.
Shaw man
Police stopped a tiny motorised rickshaw for allegedly rushing in northern India and located 27 individuals in it!
My pal – a former Glasgow cabbie – now operates an old style rickshaw in Calcutta.
After I phoned final week to ask how he was getting on, he mentioned: “I’m rushed off my toes…”
And at last
I’ll log out by congratulating my pal (and fellow Motherwell fan) Andy who bought hitched final week. Once more.
Not suggesting he’s walked down the aisle a few times earlier than, however his Native American title can be “man with 4 toasters”.
We had lunch in Edinburgh a few months in the past and, name it power of behavior, however he STOOD UP to chop his cheesecake…
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