This column often offers politics a good wider berth than I give the salad bar at Pizza Hut however I’d prefer to kick off as we speak with two probing questions…
The place precisely is the hedge?
And who's tasked with the job of dragging him by it backwards?
I’m speaking, after all, about our Prime Minister Boris Johnson – the scruffiest world chief within the historical past of the universe.
After I heard he was going on this week for a two-hour operation, I believed – and hoped – it meant he was lastly getting a haircut.
Seems it was really a nostril job.
So, was he having Nadine Dorries’ nostril surgically faraway from his derriere?
Or, within the wake of Partygate, maybe he was getting 12 inches chopped off the tip of his hooter?
Nah, it was simply routine surgical procedure on his sinuses.
However speaking of Pinocchio-style porkies, absolutely the TV clip of the week was RMT secretary-general Mick Lynch on Newsnight calling a Tory minister a liar FIFTEEN instances!
Why? Nicely, it was a comparatively brief interview and that’s all he may handle…
The rail union boss is definitely my Man of the Week. It’s been terrific watching him handing so many journalists and politicians their backsides on a plate.
And I’ll let you know what, if the trains function as easily as Massive Mick after this strike, our railway service would be the envy of the world.
Palms up for those who’d like to see him as PM?
Failing that, Mr Lynch, any likelihood we may e-book you for Off The Ball subsequent week?
They are saying soccer and politics shouldn’t combine however, within the 28-year historical past of our programme, a few of my favorite visitors have been MPs or MSPs… they usually all had one thing to supply.
Off the highest of my head, for instance, Tommy Sheridan – proper after his legendary “Actual Madrid v Gretna” court docket case – was terrific worth.
George Galloway as soon as gave us a panoramic six-minute monologue on why bees are important to life as we all know it.
Alex Salmond offered listeners with a tip for the horses that received at 33-1. After which there was the time I pulled a gun on former First Minister Henry McLeish (lengthy story).
Staying with politics, I learn a report this week that US president Joe Biden fell off his bike whereas he’d been having fun with a experience together with his spouse.
Apparently his physician mentioned: “He shouldn’t be doing that at his age, however I like to recommend he retains biking…”
One other golden oldie who reveals no signal of slowing down – Sir Paul McCartney – turned 80 this week and he vowed he’ll nonetheless be performing as an octogenarian.
I feel he’ll simply must tweak a few of his basic hits.
For instance, I look ahead to listening to Twist And Gout, After I Was 64, Whereas My Catarrh Gently Seeps, I Get By With A Little Assist From My Carer and, after all, Assist…!
When Elvis's passing result in a Devine revelation
The eagerly-awaited Elvis Presley biopic is launched tomorrow, so I can’t log out as we speak with out sharing my favorite Elvis-related story, which was instructed to me years in the past by my expensive outdated pal Sydney Devine.
It’s August 1977 and Syd’s agent is having lunch with a colleague in a Glasgow restaurant when a member of employees – after listening to the information on the kitchen radio – proclaims to all the shoppers that Elvis has died.
As a shocked hush falls over the dining-room, Steak & Kidney’s agent leans throughout the desk to his pal and whispers: “, this could possibly be the break Syd’s been ready for…”
Ham-handed dad
Hiya to common reader Schlermie in Stepps who put a smile on my coupon this week with a cracking wee story.
He’s married to a stunning Muslim lady and he’ll NEVER neglect introducing her to his dad and mom.
Once they provided to make tea and sandwiches, Schlermie’s dad requested if ham could be okay.
“No, under no circumstances – Muslims don’t eat ham!”
And expensive outdated dad mentioned: “But it surely’s wafer skinny…” Sensible!
In the meantime, whats up to a different masochist who by no means misses these pages – Fife reader Kenny McGurk.
It was Father’s Day final Sunday. However, as Kenny factors out, it’s higher identified in Lochore as The Postman’s Vacation.
Awww…
Money 'n' Espresso
Speak about stating the bleedin’ apparent? College of South Florida boffins say we’re extra prone to make “impulsive buys” after caffeine, so customers may save money by avoiding espresso earlier than shopping for groceries.
Hold on, COULD save money?
Avoid the Starbucks/Costa subsequent to the grocery store and also you’ll be a fiver up straight away…
Staying with foods and drinks, inform me, of us, is it humanly potential to get a cheese slice out of a packet with out THIS taking place???
Come alongside, even for those who amputate your ears...
In case you don’t thoughts me sneaking in a wee plug, girls and gents, I’m making my debut on the Edinburgh Pageant this summer time.
Don’t fear, I received’t be fire-eating on a unicycle while reciting Peruvian poetry.
And I actually received’t be taking my spouse up on her brainwave – performing a bonsai model of Puppetry Of The Penis for Japanese vacationers…
Nope, I’m doing a type of In Dialog With… reveals with my outdated mucker Graham Spiers asking the questions.
Sure, despite the fact that I nonetheless endure Vietnam-style flashbacks over the past Q&A I did a number of years in the past in St Andrews.
After plodding by two hours of lethal uninteresting questions – and my solutions weren’t a lot better – a hand went up behind the room and I invited this wee girl (80 if she was a day) to ask a query.
“Thanks, Tam,” she mentioned. “I’d prefer to ask… would you thoughts terribly if all of us went to the bar?”
OUCH!
Anyway, of us, I’m making my comeback at The Stand’s New Theatre on George Road on Monday, August 22, at midday. Do you fancy it?
After I marketed the gig on my Instagram web page, one Rangers fan mentioned: “I’d relatively amputate my f*****g ears than hearken to Graham Spiers.”
I’ll put him down as a “possibly”…
Lookalike of the week?
Uncanny!
My fave humorous pictures of the week
How the newborn comes out if mum spends her whole being pregnant taking selfies.
Appears to be like just like the Glasgow flight arrived...
Guys, is there something worse than kidney stones?
Two jumbo jets sharing a joke.
A fella from Airdrie at a Stevie Surprise live performance.
Household return pet pooch to The Canine’s Belief because it prices an excessive amount of to feed it.
Textual content jokes of the week
● As Covid circumstances rise by 65 per cent, the Authorities is praised for its swift motion to cease individuals mixing on public transport.
● Chris Eubank, above, has been appointed Boris Johnson’s new Ethics Adviser. The previous boxer says that he used to reside in Ethics, however has now moved to Thuthex…
● My automotive simply ran out of petrol. My insurance coverage firm has deemed it a write-off.
● My neighbours have complained about me groaning too loudly when having intercourse within the morning. If solely they knew I’m simply making an attempt to place my socks on.
● I misplaced a superb good friend and consuming buddy final Saturday in a tragic accident. He obtained his finger caught in a marriage ring.
● I used to be rubbing an outdated lamp when a genie popped out and granted me a want. I requested him to make me irresistible to all girls. The b****** turned me right into a pair of footwear.
● Porn offers younger individuals an unrealistic and unhealthy thought of how rapidly a plumber will come to your home.
● Right here’s my tackle highschool reunions: if I haven’t contacted you within the final 20 years, there’s most likely a cause.
● Went into the library yesterday and requested for a e-book on cliffhangers. And the librarian mentioned…
College meal plan is pie within the sky
Youngsters on the distant Lochnell Major College in Benderloch, Argyll, are set to get college dinners delivered by drone.
Sounds thrilling, eh? Think about one thing like that occuring when YOU have been in school!
However hold on a minute. In a rustic the place they’ll swipe a fish supper clear out of your fingers, absolutely a flying drone full of meals might be an easy goal for any self-respecting seagull?
Additionally, given the price of dwelling disaster and all of the foodbanks in Scotland, I feel punters with rocket launchers can even pose a significant risk.
Nah, I feel this feels like pie within the sky…
PS. Within the occasion of a drone malfunction, consider the huge ecological harm college custard would unleash if it fell into the ocean!