Residents have informed of a “battle zone” after vehicles at two houses in Airdrie have been petrol-bombed.
Grasp on… petrol-bombed?!
Presumably the police are solely questioning native millionaires?
Gas costs have rocketed to an all-time excessive (diesel is now £2-a-litre at many Scottish forecourts ) and a wee joke that was doing the rounds a 12 months in the past might be now factually appropriate.
As an alternative of shopping for petrol, why not lower your expenses by growing a cocaine behavior and operating all over the place?
I stuffed my tank on Tuesday (an outdated aunt had died and I’d come right into a bit of cash) and the worth of gas actually hit house as I walked out the store.
Recognizing a bag of Sports activities Mixtures, I assumed: “Ooh, £2.85? That’s cheap…”
Petrol is now so costly that I’ve heard unsubstantiated stories of taxi drivers taking the shortest route.
However, hey, don’t discuss to me about cabbies.
Because of the crippling value of gas, I used to be feeling a bit sorry for the fella who dropped me off in Glasgow metropolis centre yesterday – so I gave him a beneficiant £5 tip.
It was solely once I was strolling away that I remembered what we’d been chatting about – the actual fact his taxi was one of many new electrical ones …
D’oh!
Ach effectively, at the very least the gas costs can nonetheless elevate fun.
Internet hosting the Sporting Dinner for the St. Andrew’s Hospice in Airdrie final Saturday, I introduced to a chuckle or two that one of many high prizes within the raffle was 5 litres of diesel.
One other two corkers on the listing? A nuclear shelter and a physician’s appointment.
It was a cracking night time, of us, that raised over £45,000 for a terrific trigger and, for a number of hours at the very least, it took all our minds off the price of dwelling and the potential value of World Battle III.
Former Hearts, Dundee Utd and Scotland boss Craig Levein took half in a frank and humorous Q&A earlier than soccer impressionist Darren Farley entertained the viewers with a blinding array of voices.
He’s a massively gifted lad who works very exhausting at his craft.
For instance, to get Harry Redknapp’s voice excellent, he watched EVERY minute of I’m A Celeb.
To assist impersonate Steven Gerrard, he research a DVD of the previous Rangers boss day-after-day for at the very least an hour.
And to get Wayne Rooney spot on, he pumped The Beverley Sisters.
Speaking of soccer, my mate Davie identified that – in keeping with the wager he positioned on the Motherwell v Hibs Scottish Cup quarter remaining on Sunday – the official kick-off time (as you possibly can see) was 12.31pm.
Bizarre, huh?
With the sport being proven reside on BBC Scotland at half-twelve, maybe the additional minute was to permit Shaun Maloney to get strapped into his booster seat within the dug-out.
Motherwell defender Bevis Mugabi didn’t even final a minute – he was despatched off in 48 seconds for a loopy lunge and my mob acquired turfed out the Cup.
So it’s now Celtic v Rangers and Hearts v Hibs – an completely cracking semi-final draw.
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Until, after all, you’re in cost at Premier Sports activities.
I’m assuming they’ll simply present the Previous Agency recreation TWICE.
PS. The SPFL and SFA have banned our home soccer matches being broadcast in Russia, so stand by for a folks’s revolt bringing an finish to the battle in Ukraine.
Nicely, think about the protests towards Mad Vlad after they can’t watch tomorrow’s protection of Dunfermline v Morton on the BBC Scotland channel…
- In line with the most recent ballot, the typical intercourse session lasts 33 minutes. Personally talking, I’m nearer the hour mark myself. However solely as a result of I’ve acquired a really sluggish web connection.
The primary rut is the deepest...
Unable to drive over them in his Ferrari, what about Sir Rod Stewart serving to to fill within the potholes close to his home in Harrow?
Numerous the craters are actually dangerous however I perceive the primary rut is the deepest...
Decide Sanj
My outdated pal Sanjeev Kohli will probably be a visitor choose on April 9 when The Masked Singer Reside involves Scotland.
The present begins at 7pm however Nicola Sturgeon can’t but affirm when it should finish…
Staying with TV, all the perfect to Ant & Dec star Stephen Mulhern who’s recovering after present process a process at hospital.
I’m informed he was having the everlasting smirk surgically faraway from his face.
Here is hoping the storage proprietor can flip clock again
Good luck to Scots storage proprietor Adam Ennis, who wasted no time in becoming a member of the overseas legion defending folks in Ukraine.
As a storage proprietor, I assumed he’d have taken a fast take a look at the scenario and mentioned: “I’ll be prepared subsequent Friday…”
Fingers crossed he could make a distinction.
I used to be studying yesterday about The Nuclear Clock – a universally recognised indicator of the world’s vulnerability to disaster from nuclear weapons – and it’s presently at 100 seconds to midnight.
Hopefully our courageous storage proprietor can flip the clock again…
PS. My outdated Kirkcaldy correspondent Wee Jimmy admits he was terrified when he learn the headline “PUTIN ENTERS KYIV’.
“That’s ma postcode!” he mentioned.
Taking the pea
Wow! Did you learn in regards to the 25-year-old lady from Cambridge known as Summer time Munro?
She hasn’t eaten a vegetable in 22 years, she as soon as turned down £800 to eat a single pea and her complete weight loss plan presently consists of rooster nuggets, chips and crisps!
How lengthy earlier than she’s awarded the Freedom of Scotland?
That is salt of us
In different foods and drinks information, it’s been revealed that Britons are so hooked on salt that one in six of us add it to pizzas and curries.
Personally talking, I ONLY add salt to potatoes (chips, mash or roasters ain’t the identical with out it), boiled eggs (inconceivable to not) and roast rooster (actually brings out the flavour).
And that’s it.
In a French restaurant a number of years in the past, I made the deadly mistake of placing salt on my snails. All of them disappeared…
PS. A document 976 entries for this 12 months’s British Pie Awards – together with a kangaroo meat one.
Sounds beautiful. The meat will probably be actually tender because of all of the leaping up and down.
Ailing Dad's turned off to considered answering telephone
Speaking of golden oldies, good day to my 88-year-old dad, who’s recovering in Wishaw Common Hospital after taking critically sick on Sunday with Covid.
He’s slowly however absolutely recovering and I’ll let you know what, of us, he’s positively feeling quite a bit higher than the supervisor of his native bookies, who’s REALLY lacking him in Cheltenham week.
I can’t go to my dad in hospital because of the Covid restrictions and I haven’t even spoken to him on the telephone.
Why? Nicely, he’s a fair greater technophobe than yours really and, ever since my wee sister informed him that turning his cellular off saves the battery, it’s turned off CONSTANTLY!
Anyway, I do know he’ll be studying his boy’s column in his Each day Report – propped up in mattress, hopefully, with a cup of tea – so right here’s what I wished to say, dad…
Sophie acquired a glowing report from all her academics at mother and father’ night time, a fella known as Brian Leckie who used to work with you in Honeywells says good day… oh yeah, and SWITCH YOUR BLOODY PHONE ON!!!
My fave humorous pictures of the week
The brand new collection of Who Needs to Be a Millionaire? has been up to date for 2022.
Alexa, I need to reside a lifetime of celibacy – how can I obtain this?
The brand new Rolex.
A grocery store show impressed by Bruce Forsyth.
His toes have to be baking in them.
A rest room with a glass ground over an deserted raise shaft. That’ll treatment your constipation.
Textual content jokes of the week
Greta Thunberg has slammed Ukraine for its ongoing use of petrol bombs and urges its residents to defend themselves with electrical/hybrid options – or simply throw lettuce.
Closing down sale at Chelsea FC. Every thing Moscow.
I’ve acquired 20 litres of unleaded petrol – seeking to swap for a four-bedroom home with a pool.
I used to be going to purchase a type of electrical vehicles however I modified my thoughts as I can’t afford to cost it up.
Obtained some gas earlier and the bloke at pump three put a tenner in. The place was he driving to – pump 4?
My spouse is blaming me for ruining her birthday. That’s completely ridiculous. I completely forgot it was her birthday.
I met a Dalek within the pub who informed me he was from Devon. After I requested whereabouts precisely, he mentioned: “Exeter, mate. Exeter, mate.”
My spouse says she’s leaving me due to my obsession with 80s pop music. How ungrateful is that? After I first met her, she was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar.
Is there something extra annoying than making an attempt to textual content somebody and a bike owner bounces off your windscreen?
I entered a contest to see who’s gained probably the most weight and misplaced probably the most hair. It wasn’t really known as that – the invitation simply mentioned “Faculty Reunion”.
Police have discovered the getaway automotive robbers used after stealing an incomplete set of golf golf equipment. However they’re nonetheless on the lookout for the driving force.
And eventually
Ya magnificence! There was a narrative this week that permits me to mud down a cracking outdated gag.
Crimson Bull thieves stole £850,000 price of the vitality drink in a daring heist in Belgium.
I don’t understand how these folks can sleep at night time…